It's Year-end Again...

Every year when it comes to year end, my feeling will drop to the lowest... It seems to me that whenever it comes to the end of year, my feeling will be in this way and it had been liked this since I dropped myself from proper working life to an unstable working life...

I once saw a phrase "do you live to eat, or eat to live?" Frankly said, I wasn't really quite sure of this myself as years passed by. I began to feel depressed and confused. I didn't know what to do and I can't see anything clearly in front of me. It's just like a blurred vision and a blank mind, roaming around aimlessly thinking of nothing but what to do in future...

Many had once asked me whether this is all worth it. To my kids, it's worth it. At least I grow with them. I see their happy faces every day, I play with them every day, I learn with them every day... However, nothing lasts. The same goes to these happy moments. Soon my kids will go to school. What I did before will now have to change. 

How to change? Changing from working in the afternoon to morning? Will anyone hire me after so long that I've left the circle for such a long time? What about my students? Continue teaching them as part time? How will I have to adjust my time for that? What about my kids? Will I have the time for them?...feeling dejected... totally defeated and don't know what I should do...

Sometimes when it comes to choices in life, it is really very annoying. Why am I always in such a dilemma state? So what if I received a good offer from the employer? I will have to reject it eventually because of the timing. So tired, so torturing. How many times do I have to endure such disappointment? Why is it so hard to do something that we like and at the same time live our lives to the fullest? In the past, I could still try to convince myself that 'when the ship comes to the bridge, it will become straight naturally' - (a Chinese proverb: 船到桥头，自然直) Will it be the same this time or something else?

From a FB friend, "你是什麼人便會遇上什麼人；你是什麼人便會選擇什麼人。總是掛在嘴上的人生，就是你的人生，人總是很容易被自己說出的話所催眠。我多怕你總是掛在嘴上的許多抱怨，將會成為你所有的人生。" - "What kind of person you are, you will meet the same kind of people with the same attitude; what kind of person you are, you will choose to be with the same kind of people with the same thinking. The life that is always hanging around your mouth, will be your kind of life, people always fell for the words that they said out to hypnotize themselves. I'm fear for the every single complains that are constantly coming out from your mouth, will become your life in future." - I have this kind of fearing also...